Minerva and Crustacea
by tami3
Summary: Modern rewrite of Minerva and Arachne where both are gourmet cooks. Pure humor.


Minerva and Crustacea 

Once upon a time there was a blustery metropolis. In this particular city, haute cuisine was what was in. There were more farmers' markets in the streets than newsstands. A smorgasbord of differently skilled chefs awaited any eager diner who visited the city, their bistros, patisseries, and trattorias stuffing the city like a horn of plenty. Competition between cooks was fiercer than the heat of haberno peppers, and the pens of food columnists sharper than a butcher knife fresh off the whetstone.

In this city, there was a veteran champion cook, known as the "goddess of organic cooking": Minerva. Her internationally celebrated restaurant, "The Aegis," was run pesticide, "GM", and cruelty-free. She stocked only fresh, free-range ingredients and was an outspoken enemy of cooks who did not do the same. This had earned her some ridicule from the press in the past, laughing at her tyrannical standards. But Minerva never ceased serving only divinely delicious, nutritious courses, to the swooning delight of gourmands who visited "The Aegis". She was the hero of aspiring cooks, food critics, and PETA. The pride of that reputation could be tasted in every "Butternut Brioche with Sautéed Morels" she served, every "Multigrain Croissant with Pomegranate and Gooseberry spread" she baked up, every delectable, healthy entree she could think of.

One day Minerva read an article in a cooking magazine; a cocky new face had appeared on the city's food scene, a young chef called Crustacea. Not only did the new cook endorse every rich, decadent aspect of cooking in her menus, Crustacea had laughed that animals could be treated as badly as necessary to make them tender, that any amount of oils, fats, and sugars could be used to make a meal tasty, and worst of all, that Minerva was an overrated "food prude"! This was an insult that Minerva could not bear. Minerva headed straight down to Crustacea's four-star restaurant, "Woven," to confront her.

Minerva, however, had met many an arrogant young cook who was later humbled by a profession whose greatest honor came from making food that was both healthy and tasty. She decided to give Crustacea a chance to redeem herself. She sat down at a table and posed as a regular patron, waiting for Crustacea to emerge from the kitchen and circulate among her customers like all good chefs do. Soon enough, Crustacea neared, wearing a confident, superior expression as she asked her "patron" how she liked her meal. (Minerva had not taken a bite of her Kobe brisket in truffle cream sauce, certain its richness would make her retch.)

Minerva murmured that it was good, but asked Crustacea if she would not reconsider using healthier techniques and giving nutrition pioneers like "the goddess of organic cooking" all due respect. To this, Crustacea gleefully stated that she was already known throughout the city to make better food than "Minerva," and the best could do whatever they wanted. That included using fatty foods, the meat of tortured or at-risk animals, and making fun of washed-up cooks!

Minerva shook with anger and rose. Before the entire restaurant, she revealed her identity, shouting at Crustacea for her irresponsibility as a cook. Crustacea was very much frightened of the fiery, famous chef, but her brashness compelled her to foolishly try to stand up against the legendary Minerva. To save face in front of her customers and staff, the hotheaded Crustacea challenged Minerva to a cooking contest, a full-course meal with everyone in "Woven" as judges.

The two marched into the kitchen. Minerva, being the seasoned professional, started preparing her menu without delay, thinking only of what the diners would enjoy most. Crustacea, however, smarting from humiliation, had a wicked and childish idea to spite Minerva.

Minerva briskly prepared an Herbed Alfalfa and Cherry Tomato Appetizer, Braised Stuffed Eggplant with a Side of Arugula Couscous, and the piece-de-resistance, a Dessert of Spiced Mango Flambé topped with Brazil Nut Marzipan. She served first, and received a round of compliments exclaiming over the refreshingly delicious quality of her cooking. Satisfied, Minerva looked over at Crustacea's work.

Vindictive Crustacea had done everything she could to taunt all that Minerva stood for. For her appetizer, she had made a Caspian Sturgeon Ceviche, sprinkled with the endangered fish's caviar. For her main course she had Veal Prepared Beef-Wellington Style, the flesh of prematurely butchered calves encrusted with deep-fried breadcrumbs. For dessert, she had laid out a tray of fatty cheeses, but much worse was the accompanying large slab of foie gras that had come from the livers of countless force-fed geese.

Even Crustacea's customers were shocked and shamed by the use of so many taboo ingredients. Enraged, Minerva grabbed a nearby pot of boiling water and threw it on Crustacea. Crustacea's skin burned bright red, and henceforth she was always mocked within cooking circles as the "Lobster" who had dared to go up against Minerva.


End file.
